Baby, come back!

I truly miss these days although my three daughters are 21, 15, and 14. But I'm getting married soon, so there's still hope. ;-)

iAMrj * richard jones

How we express our feelings is just as important as the feelings we express

I am a co-founder and member of a beloved community called Alopecia World. It’s a unique and exciting social networking site for people who are coping with hair loss as well as their supportive loved ones and friends.

Presently, I’m participating in a discussion on the site in which someone confused and conflated the fact that people have feelings with the idea that others must always “accept” their feelings.

I responded by explaining that, while I understand that people have feelings, it’s also critically important for people to be considerate and careful in how they express their feelings because, quite often, one's communication style is more problematic for people than the substance of their conversation or feelings.

I’ve also indicated elsewhere -- here, for example -- that, while a true listener will not always concur, a true listener will always be kind.

In any event, following are my remarks about the human need, not only to express feelings, but to also express feelings in a manner that’s as considerate of others as we hope they will be in responding to our feelings.

Of course, I’d love to know how you feel about this matter.

“It’s one thing for me or anyone else to accept the fact that alopecians -- or anyone else, for that matter -- may feel the way they do about something, but it’s quite another thing altogether for someone to express their feelings in ways that show little or no regard for the feelings of others.

“So, although Alopecia World is a place where ‘acceptance’ is all there is, by no means should this be (mis)interpreted to mean that it’s okay for alopecians or anyone else on this site to say whatever is own their minds in whatever way they wish to say it. All members of Alopecia World, both alopecians and non-alopecians, should be considerate of others at all times, careful with their words at all times, and especially cautious when applying negative labels to others.

“For example, while I ‘accept’ the fact that my fiancée has alopecia and sometimes struggles with certain issues because of the condition, both she and I do not ‘accept’ the notion that she should be free to express her thoughts or her frustrations or even her sadness in any manner she so desires, especially if she’s being insensitive to me or others.

“Of course, the same applies to me. In fact, we believe that the so-called Golden Rule is always in order, regardless of how someone may feel or the circumstances: ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you’; not before they do unto and not as they do unto you, but as you would have them do unto you.

“Given how something like alopecia can adversely impact a person’s life, and how it might leave them an emotional wreck, they might easily slip into believing that they have the right to speak to others however they wish about whatever they wish, especially when it comes to their medical condition. Moreover, struggling to cope with a condition as challenging and life-altering as alopecia may also make it hard for some to also attune themselves in to the feelings and needs of others.

“Nonetheless, if unity, peace, harmony, respect, and order are to be maintained in Alopecia World, alopecians and every one else on this site must try our best to be as considerate and compassionate in how we express our feelings as we hope others will be in responding to our feelings.

“This is why lately I’ve had quite a bit to say about bald fetishism and the presence of non-alopecians in Alopecia World. Comments and discussions about these matters have begun to degenerate to the point that non-alopecians, including me, are being offended unnecessarily. Again, while all members of Alopecia World are free to state their opinions, it would behoove all of us to also bear in mind that any freedom without restraints is bondage to excess. Therefore, let all of us be temperate and thoughtful in what we have to say as well as how we say it.”

iAMrj * richard jones

‘The breath of kindness’

Oh, the comfort —
the inexpressible comfort —
of feeling safe with a person,
having neither to weigh thoughts
nor measure words,
but pouring them all right out,
just as they are,
chaff and grain together;
certain that a faithful hand
will take and sift them,
keep what is worth keeping,
and then with the breath of kindness
blow the rest away.

There is perhaps no better introduction to the art of listening than these lyrical lines from Dinah Maria Mulock Craik’s 1859 novel titled A Life for a Life. She was a poet and novelist, not a psychologist or counselor. Nonetheless, her words perfectly convey the longing of every burdened soul that desperately needs to express itself with the assurance of a tenderhearted response.

This longing permeates human experience like pixels on a computer screen. Sometimes it is imperceptible, and at other times visceral anxiety and acute frustration cause it to be magnified a thousandfold. Hurting humanity cries out to be heard; even when what people desire to say would uncloak personal tragedies and trauma far too great for words.

However, soul-cleansing self-expression is inhibited where there’s not “the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person.” Those who wish to share in this manner cannot have the worry that their listeners will make their words into weapons, or their confessions into combat gear, later to be used in personal attacks against them. Rather, they must be completely confident that they are speaking with a bona fide confidante who will listen to whatever they have to say, “chaff and grain together,” and sagaciously “keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.”

In other words, true listeners do not always need to concur, but they always need to be kind. They should seek to understand, understand as those truly seeking, lovingly “sift” through what they understand, and share their understanding as those who truly love. They should respond not only with words of appreciation and affirmation, but also, if appropriate, with honest criticism and heartfelt concern. “With the breath of kindness,” indeed, they should keep their integrity as well as life-changing relationships with loved ones and genuine friends.

iAMrj * richard jones

The perils and politics of leaving your church

In the latest issue of Dissent Magazine, Maxine Phillips reflects on the politics of leaving one’s church in view of the fact that, “In this campaign season, the question is, why didn’t you leave your church and disavow your pastor earlier?”

But you don’t have to be Senator Barack Obama, Senator John McCain, or any other U.S. presidential candidate to know that this decision can be excruciatingly difficult when you consider its possible socioeconomic impact.

Church membership may be voluntary at first, but people usually have to muster every bit of will power they can to break away from the institution.

One of the most obvious reasons for this is so-called houses of God are typically no more than dens of thieves. Increasingly, more and more church members are entrapped by economic entanglements because they’re doing significant business with other church members or affiliated organizations that might not look kindly at all on their disengagement.

Then, of course, there are the power and control antics of the myriad pastors and other religious VIP’s who recoil at the very thought of money and influence just walking out the door. It’s not uncommon for departing church members to worry about such predatory leaders retaliating by offering unwanted guilt trips, threatening disassociation or divine retribution, or attempting to assassinate the character of a departing member.

Even church members who can somehow escape from such ecclesiastical prisons have to wonder how their exit from one ecclesia will be perceived by another; for, in many Christian circles, being branded a so-called church-hopper is as bad as walking around with the number 666 carved into your forehead.

These kinds of things do not happen in every case, but in enough cases that most disgruntled church members rather swallow the bitter pill of staying put than risk invoking the wrath of godless church folk whose influence can sometimes reach far beyond the sanctuary doors.

Nevertheless, escaping from the tyranny, tentacles and throes of such abusive churches and their leaders is possible if one is principled as well passionate about the matter. One must be as driven to escape churches that abuse as they are to maintain their grip. But one should be driven, not merely by feelings of disappointment or despair, though these occasionally suffice, but more so by deep convictions, concerns, commitments, and a clean conscience that simply will not bow to disconcerting comfort, convenience, conformity, or cowardice.

iAMrj * richard jones

The next Michael Phelps

I'm almost ashamed to say it, but I don't know how to swim and have never cared to learn.

However, swimming sensation Michael Phelps has so amazed me with his epic performance at this year's Summer Olympics in Beijing that I'm tempted to believe that he's the real "Man from Atlantis."

Count 'em! He has earned 11 gold medals in less than five years. Incredibly, he won five of those gold medals at these Olympics while breaking five world records.

There are still three contests to go and, unless he's miraculously carried away by a one-lane tsunami, you can bet your bottom dollar that he's as good as three more golds.

I must confess that Phelps has inspired me to at least get my feet wet, which is a good thing because my fiancee wants to give me swimming lessons. I'm sure she thinks I can become the next Michael Phelps!


iAMrj * richard jones

Men seeking life-changing friendships

After church one Sunday morning, I met with several men to discuss the idea of starting a men's ministry. One of the questions I asked the group is, "What would you like our first topic of discussion to be?" I was pleasantly surprised by their answer: One brother said it should be friendship and, without pause, all the other men agreed.

Here were adult men tired of passing each other at church, and even working together on church projects, and yet not knowing how to be real friends. They wanted to be there for one another and not just around each other.

At our next exploratory meeting, I suggested that they begin thinking deeply about their concepts of friendship and, for those who enjoy studying the Bible, see what the Scriptures might have to say about the matter. I hope that they come to the realization that to become true friends is one of the highest honors they can bestow on each other.

I also hope that all of them will come to understand that true friendship is a unique, close, comforting, and encouraging relationship in which we are to be mutually accountable and not just mutually fulfilled. Genuine friendship, that is, makes us our "brother's keeper" in the best sense of the term and thereby holds us to such high moral and ethical standards that it can positively impact the course of our entire lives.

Such a deep level of friendship can help transform "hangin' buddies" into heroes in their own family and communities. It is the kind of male bonding that reinforces good values and helps strengthen the moral fabric of whole nations. It is the kind of thing that is needed to make boys into real men for whom giving the best of themselves comes as natural as breathing.

iAMrj * richard jones

Real men live blessed lives

A pastor of a non-denominational church recently asked me to help launch its men's ministry. I accepted the invitation, not only because I'm a changed man with firsthand knowledge of some of the greatest challenges and sins that so easily beset young and old(er) men, but also because I see a need to share my understanding of what it might mean to "be transformed by the renewing of your mind." Especially because I'm a man still under construction, my daughters' blessing and encouragement really moved and motivated me, as well.

At the pastor's request, I made a short presentation about the men's ministry while attending a church meeting last Wednesday night. While speaking, I used Psalm 112 to introduce the powerful idea that a "real" man is a "blessed" man who wholeheartedly aspires (and perspires in a noble and sustained effort) to live a deeply meaningful and magnificent life that is attractive, appealing, craved, and coveted for all the right reasons. Thus, for example, we noted that a man's life is blessed when...

1. he takes delight in right and not might (Psalm 112:1)
2. he is a home builder rather than a home wrecker (Psalm 112:2)
3. he knows how to prosper and profit without losing his soul (Psalm 112:3)
4. he is a light in dark places – part of the solution rather than the problem (Psalm 112:4)
5. he gives the best of himself and good comes back to him (Psalm 112:5)
6. he is stable, not only because of his finances, but because of his moral and spiritual focus (Psalm 112:6)
7. through it all, he has learned how to trust in God (Psalm 112:7)
8. his self-assurance comes from the blessed assurance that he is more than a conqueror (Psalm 112:8)
9. he is known more for how much he cares about those in need than the status he has achieved or the wealth he has accumulated (Psalm 112:9)
10. he is envied for all the right reasons (Psalm 112:10)

Of course, this outline only touches on the subject matter the men's ministry will cover. I assure you that no relevant stone will be left unturned. We will address everything from misogyny and misguided notions of manhood to how men can express their inner passions in healthy and constructive ways and perhaps drastically improve their parenting skills along the way.

If I have any say in the matter -- and, at this point, I do -- then we will not merely reinforce patriarchy by limiting discussions to shallow exchanges about money, muscles, and the women and children in our lives, but also do the much more important and intense work of learning to truly view and do unto all other human beings just as we would have them do unto us.

As saints of ol' would say, "Pray our strength in the Lord" and feel free to make suggestions or comments regarding these matters because we'll definitely need all the insight, help, and support we can get. ;-)

iAMrj * richard jones

'Our Black Fathers: Brave, Bold and Beautiful'

5 Sisters Publishing out of Sacramento, CA, just published a celebratory and soul-moving anthology titled Our Black Fathers: Brave, Bold, and Beautiful!

In a day when "Black males" are so maligned that the epithet has become "the police-speak of perpetual criminalization," this new collection of writings by good Black men and their children and admirers is a heartening reminder that there are many Black fathers who still know best.

Earlier this year, U.S. presidential candidate Senator Barack Obama, himself a good Black father, scarcely recognized such men during his platitudinous Father's Day speech when he stated, "Of all the rocks upon which we build our lives, we are reminded today that family is the most important. And we are called to recognize and honor how critical every father is to that foundation. They are teachers and coaches. They are mentors and role models. They are examples of success and the men who constantly push us toward it."

It is a great thing, indeed, that great Black men like those honored in Our Black Fathers press on despite the mostly negative press that Black men receive.

I contributed this article to the book, but this is not the reason you should purchase it. Rather, you should click here to buy a copy because, if there is any book that deserves to become a bestseller, it is one that encourages good Black fathers to "go 'head" and helps equip them mentally and spiritually to do so.


iAMrj * richard jones