Abuse me, lose me

It is much easier to try to avoid an abusive relationship altogether than to get out of one. Everything from fear of retaliation to feeling helpless can make it extremely difficult for a victim of abuse to sever ties with their abuser. Unemployment, underemployment, codependency, and not wanting the children to suffer -- though they probably already are suffering! -- can also discourage the victim from just walking away. Even worst, the likelihood of being publicly humiliated, maimed, or perhaps even murdered by their abuser can simply paralyze the victim.

Such are compelling reasons to do everything within your power to steer clear of an intimate relationship with anyone who is abusive. And doing so must began with you rejecting the oft-unspoken assumption that "it's a thin line between love and hate." Not only are love and hate separate and distinct ways of viewing and treating people, but the "line" between these attitudes and approaches to people and relationships is as vast as the universe itself.

It is not love that drives someone to hurt you. It is not love that compels someone to attempt to control you. On the contrary, true love brings out the best in us even during the worst of times. It also provides us with motivation and a manner of making the most of whatever moments we share. Thus, if your partner claims to love you, it is only fitting that they follow-up their declaration of love by doing things that build you up rather than tear you down.

Your own health and happiness are far more important than having a wife, husband, or honey. Yes, you are just as significant as your significant other, and a diminished you is detrimental to you, your relationships, and every good thing you desire. Therefore, love yourself enough to liberate yourself from such need of acceptance that you lose yourself in gaining it. Love yourself and others by doing what, first and foremost, is best for you.

Never allow anyone to isolate you from your family, friends, and acquaintances. These people can be vital sources of affirmation, strength, support, wisdom, and protection, and no one except you and them should determine the nature of those relationships. You should not neglect your partner just to appease others, and you should not burn any bridges only to be burned by an abuser.

Be independent as well as interdependent in your relationship. Do not relinquish control of your thoughts, feelings, desires, and personal means of economic and emotional empowerment. Always reserve the right to be yourself, to do your own thing, to take care of yourself, and to make other choices that are different from what your partner might choose. Do not dummy-down for your partner, and avoid becoming so dependent on your partner that you cease to think for yourself or make decisions that are purely your own.

If your partner truly respects you, your partner will not attempt to force you to do anything, but will respect your freedom and dignity as a human being. If your partner sees and values you as their partner, they will not try to impose their will on you, but will offer insight into matters without attempting to intimidate you into conforming to their opinion.

You are not anyone's property because you are a person and not a thing. No one owns you, so do not act or allow yourself to be treated as though you literally belong to your partner. Do not carry on in the relationship like a domesticated slave obligated to do massa's will. Your partner does not have any rights to you or over you. Be your own person and love freely, if at all; for love, to be, must be free.

Be yourself, be true yourself, and honor your partner's need to do the same. In so doing, focus on who your partner is rather than who or what you would like for partner to be. In other words, do not allow yourself to fall in love with a figment of your imagination because your relationship can only languish in jeopardy if it is founded on a lie.

Rely on much observation and not mere conversation to learn your partner's true personality, priorities, and pursuits. Moreover, do not pressure your partner to pretend by constantly telling them how you want them to act. Watch how they act while always bearing in mind that a person is what they consistently do (and do not do!), especially when they are peeved or under pressure.

Be very careful about telling your partner, especially a prospective partner, what you want in a lover and relationship because what you say can and often will be used against you. Do not try to ensure that your partner says, does, and gives you just what you want. Instead, relax, be patient, and enjoy their company while seeing what they actually have to offer. Note as much about the actual person as you do their potential, and do not expect them to "change for the better." Do not help anyone deceive you by talking too much.

Express your emotions, but do not succumb to emotionalism. Emotions broken from the cage of sound reasoning and reality checks will cloud your judgment and spoil your actions. Follow your heart, but the facts as well. Acknowledge whatever disparity exists between what you desire and what you have -- between what you think the relationship should be and what it actually is. If you find too great a gap between what the relationship is and what you need it to be, exit it before it becomes the worst thing you have ever had. Do not permit your emotions to run amok in and over your life. Do not feel your way into a living hell.

Have below-zero tolerance for disrespect -- things like dishonesty, "polite put-downs," outright name-calling, tongue thrashings, guilt trips, being cursed out, threats of violence or abandonment, slapping, grabbing, and other forms of assaultive contact. At the slightest sign that your partner is moving toward demeaning or dictating to you, kindly but sternly warn your partner that you will not allow yourself to be mistreated or just end the relationship.

Under no circumstance should you conduct yourself like the boy that cried wolf and sound so many false alarms that your partner simply ignores you. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Do not settle for anything less than honesty, respect, good communication, and the kind of problem solving that can strengthen the relationship. Make sure that your actions as well as your words say, "If you abuse me, you will lose me."

Always bear in mind that to forgive someone and even continue loving them does not mean that you have to maintain a close relationship with them. Sometimes a long distance relationship, or no relationship at all, is best for all.

Moreover, understand the difference between explanations and excuses. Perhaps everything can be explained, but not all explanations, even some of the best ones, are acceptable excuses. This means that you do not have to excuse your partner's misbehavior just because there may be explanations for it. Regardless of how much you care for your partner, there might come a time when you will need to flee your relationship even while extending forgiveness.

You do not have to live with everyone you love. More specifically, to love your partner unconditionally does not mean that you cannot attach conditions to any aspect of your relationship. Unconditional love means that you will always care for the person, want what is best for them, and perhaps do what you reasonably can to help them do, have, and become every good thing they desire. Nevertheless, whether you seek or sustain an intimate relationship with them should depend on how well you treat one another.

Believing otherwise will only make you feel obligated to stay with your partner and try to make the relationship work regardless of how you are treated. Consequently, you should adhere to this principle: 'We shall be lovers for as long as we are loving. If we cease to be loving, we shall cease to be lovers although I may always love you.'

Misery might love company, but you do not have to be the one who entertains it. If being with your partner becomes more of a bane than blessing, get out the relationship as soon as possible, especially if either of you is doing more to incinerate the relationship than to improve it.

It is the nature of love to give us hope. So, you may wish to reconcile with your partner after a time of separation. Just understand that it is best to get away from an abuser as soon as you can and get back with them only if they demonstrate in many ways, over a long period, that they have truly learned better ways of coping with interpersonal conflict and dealing with difficulties.

However, avoid cycles of abuse in which an abuser develops the deadly habit of showing signs of progress, only to regress, confess, and expect you to continue putting up with their mess. Be courageous enough to cut your losses and cut the ties of intimacy with your partner when you notice a pattern of abuse. It is better to have loved and lost than to lose your mind, health, or life trying to love a loser.

You may be a victim of abuse, but you do not have to be a fool for it. Learn and change whatever you may be doing either to choose abusive partners or to encourage and contribute to abuse and domestic violence in your relationships. When appropriate, take responsibility and change yourself as well as your situation.

You will never have a perfect relationship. Nonetheless, you do not have to settle for a pathetic and perilous relationship. Indeed, it is possible to cultivate a perfectly imperfect relationship in which no one commits offenses so grievous that those offenses cannot be redressed by confession, forgiveness, and a sincere commitment to better ways of living.

Still, if even your dream relationship degenerates into a living nightmare, do what you must to end the relationship before it ends you. Get out of the abusive relationship before something happens that you cannot get over. Stop intimate partner abuse before it stops you.


iAMrj * richard jones