Make time to make the most of love

A person who doesn’t have time for a relationship ought not to get involved in one. Yet, there are countless individuals who enter relationships expecting their partners to constantly wait around for them. When they decide not to keep their partners on hold, they treat their partners like minor agenda items – just something else to do.

Such people usually claim to be busy, but a close look at their lives often reveals that they're engaged in more busy work than anything else. Many are busybodies, too, who spend a lot of time meddling in the affairs of others, especially their family and friends.

Indeed, what they really want isn’t a REALationship, but something to occupy leftover slices of their time. In fact, their so-called intimate relationships aren’t any more important to them than the myriad other items on their to-do lists. They merely fit their partners in when they can.

Many people who neglect their intimate partnerships blame their jobs and careers. But more often than not, their problem with time turns out to be a problem with their priorities: They don’t have time to nurture their relationships with their partners because they’re simply too busy with other gratuitous pursuits. Yet, they tend to talk about being “involved” or “married” as though it’s a highlight on their resumes.

Whether there are good reasons for one’s “perpetual time crunch,” there’s no denying that strengthening and sustaining a loving relationship typically requires a significant investment of time. Not always a great quantity of time, but quality time, for sure.

Therefore, a step in the right direction would be for one to be fully present whenever you do spend time with your partner. Do away with needless distractions and maintain a genuine focus on making the most of whatever time you and your partner share. Regardless of how much time you make for your partner, try to make it time well-spent. It may be all the time you need to know what to do with the rest of your time as well.

iAMrj * richard jones

10 commandments of domestic violence prevention

There may be a time and place for everything, but sometimes there’s simply no place for certain things. In a loving relationship, for example, there is no place for unloving behavior.

Do not court catastrophe. If you think you will probably regret saying or doing a certain thing, or that it might do irreparable harm to your relationship, simply refrain from it. Err on the side of caution. Think far more than twice before you act.

Following are examples of behavior that couples should simply jettison from their lives and relationship rather than attempt at all to justify. I created a similar list years ago and called it the 10 commandments of abuse prevention. This is a revision of that list:

1. Do not attempt to make any excuses for being abusive.


2. Do not act out of anger.


3. Do not call your partner bad names or insult your partner in other ways.


4. Do not raise your voice at your partner.


5. Do not treat your partner like property.


6. Do not threaten or intimidate your partner.


7. Do not grab, push or hit your partner.


8. Do not attempt to force your partner to do anything.


9. Do not stalk your partner.


10. Do not mistreat children, other people, animals, or your partner’s belongings.
    

The sooner each partner in a relationship commits to keeping these 10 commandments of abuse prevention, the sooner they can build and maintain a REALationship that’s truly intimate, fulfilling, joyful and filled with hope and promise.

What would do you think these 10 commandments of abuse prevention? What would you add or take from list? What alternative wording would you use? Please use the comment box below to share your thoughts.

iAMrj * richard jones

What's love got to do with it?

We cannot be much of anything until love is everything to us.

iAMrj * richard jones

They that work together stay together

A relationship stands a chance to be all it can be when both partners are giving it all they’ve got. However, when one partner is “doing all the work,” it often turns out that their labor is in vain.

For sure, the partner exerting the energy and effort may be nice to the one who is slacking, do good things for and with them, and enjoy their company from time to time. However, as long as it is a one-way relationship, it will never be as meaningful and magnificent as it would be if it were a genuinely mutual relationship.

I learned this the hard way from many different kinds of relationships, including so-called romantic and familial ones. In some relationships, I had the noblest of intentions, put forth as much effort as “the little engine that could," and still walked away empty. As the lyrics to an old song state, “I found love on a two-way street and lost it on a lonely highway.”

Of course, this is inevitable in any relationship where there is no real and consistent give-and-take. Mutuality matters, and whenever a relationship is not a matter of mutuality, it will only be a matter of time before it falls into disrepair and deep trouble.

I also wish I had realized this when I was a taker and not a giver at all. I was in my 30's before I came to the practical realization that I can experience true intimacy and friendship only in the context of reciprocal relationships.

The leech mentality of my younger years took as much away from my own life as it did from the lives of others. Indeed, I would have spared myself so much of the great sorrow borne of selfishness if I had known then what I know now: It is better to give and receive than to just give or receive.

iAMrj * richard jones

The lack of truth in military advertising: A parent’s response

Parents owe it to their children to instill in them that one does not join the military to travel, receive a “free” education, or get a high-paying job.

One joins the military to risk life and limb fighting wars, for as Vice President Dick Cheney said when he served as Secretary of Defense, “The reason to have a military is to be prepared to fight and win wars. That is our basic fundamental mission. The military is not a social welfare agency. It is not a jobs program."

If an education is what a child wants, send them directly to the college ranks. If they want a high-paying job, encourage them to develop high-premium skills as well as earn higher education degrees. If they want to travel, tell them to look for deals online.

It is disingenuous, deceptive and a disservice to our children and country for the military to emphasize education, jobs and travel in its recruitment efforts.

These and the other lies and nefarious tactics of military recruiters also partly explain the incredibly low morale among U.S. soldiers, despite the military’s massive propaganda campaigns to convince the American public and prospective new recruits otherwise.

I know several parents who not only permitted their children to believe such lies, but who themselves also believed the hype…until their own children were sent to war and, in some cases, were maimed or killed in them.

I dare not utter one negative word about these parents or their children, but I do encourage those who want to make a difference to join the Truth in Recruiting campaign or an organization like the National Network Opposing Militarization of Youth (NNOMY).

The Truth in Recruiting campaign is being led by Iraq Veterans Against the War, which has developed actions and materials for the public as well as its members.

If you are intrigued by the idea of becoming a Truth in Recruiting activist, you can commence your training by reading “The Truth About What Recruiters Promise.” IVAW has other resources here.

* The views and opinions expressed in the following video are not necessarily my own:

iAMrj * richard jones

Bad relationships and good criticism

Some people tend to go into hiding whenever they get involved in a relationship not worth making public. It is their defense mechanism of choice when their choices are defenseless. However, this doesn’t just shield them from criticism; it also cuts them off from criticism that shields.

Your truest friends should be your most faithful critics. This certainly does not mean that they should only be critics, but that it is proper for them to be consistent in at least attempting to provide constructive criticism whenever they see that you need it.

You may not wish to hear their criticism, for indeed it can be such a bitter pill to swallow. Yet, to avoid it altogether is like desensitizing yourself to pain in your body, which calls attention to an unhealthy state of things.

Hence, ancient wisdom tells us,

“Better is open rebuke than hidden love.
Wounds from a friend can be trusted,
but an enemy multiplies kisses.”

Real friends really have your best interest at heart, and they understand that sometimes it is better to be good for you than good to you. When their candor and rebuke is just what the good love doctor has ordered for you, it simply is not good for you to be alone and aloof from them in a suspect or shameful relationship.

Even if your friends were not completely right, it would be wise of you to seriously consider the basis for their concern; for it is only after they have seen smoke that those who truly care about you will attempt to extinguish a fire in your relationship.

iAMrj * richard jones

What kind of relationship do you want?

If you are like most people, the question in the title of this article prompted you to think about qualities and traits you would like for your dream partner to possess, or perhaps changes you would like your current partner to make.

However, the question was not “What kind of partner do you want?” but “What kind of relationship do you want?”

In other words, how do you envision your dream relationship? Yet, even this question must be clarified, for I am not asking for an exhaustive list of all the wonderful things you ever hope to do, have and achieve with the love of your life.

Rather, I am inquiring about your relationship vision.

A relationship vision is not a detailed list of goals, but a description of the love you and your partner are committed to showing one another for the duration of your life together. It is not about just you or your partner, but both you and your partner; and it does not necessarily describe all that your relationship presently is, but all that you and your partner hope for it to be.

As such, a relationship vision sets forth the “ideal” or “standard” of love and intimacy both you and your partner have committed to follow after. According to one author, it’s “a positive prophecy” that you hope to fulfill more and more as you grow closer, wiser and stronger as a couple. It is even a guiding light for your love and decisions because it illuminates the path from which you should not stray regardless of what comes your way.

Whenever I talk to couples about creating their own relationship vision, I suggest that they consider it be a sort of shirt pocket resource and keep it concise. Use as few words as possible to create a memorable and meaningful vision, writing and revising it over and over until it touches on what you think are the essential areas of your relationship – for example, intimacy, faith, family, finances, friendship, fun, conflict resolution, and so on.

Be realistic, I say, but do not be afraid to raise the bar and give yourselves something to work toward. Instead of reaching for perfection, though, commit yourselves to excellence – the habit of intentionally improving your life, performance and relationships – and make sure your relationship vision reflects this commitment.

Your relationship vision should also reflect some current strengths of your relationship. In fact, you should compose the whole thing in positive language using the present tense as if your relationship is already everything you desire it to be. This way you can always recall and recite it as affirmations of love, hope and confidence.

Finally, remember that the purpose of having a relationship vision is to provide you and your partner with direction and focus as a loving couple. Never should either of you turn it into a nightstick and attempt to use it to pound your partner into submission.

Neither should it you think of it as a magic wand. Sustaining a loving relationship takes diligent work from which a relationship vision provides no quick or guaranteed relief.

If you and your partner do not have a shared relationship vision, you can easily create one, as Dr. Harville Hendrix explains in the book Getting the Love You Want:

“It is surprisingly easy for couples to create this vision – even those who are in a great deal of turmoil. To get them started, I ask them to list a series of positive statements beginning with the word ‘we’ that describe the kind of relationship they would like to have. They are to frame these statements in the present tense, as if the future were already here. Here are some examples: ‘We enjoy each other’s company,’ ‘We are financially secure,’ ‘We spend time together doing things we both enjoy.’ In just one work session, they are able to define their separate visions, isolate the common elements, and combine these elements into a shared goal. Once the vision is defined, I ask them to read it daily as a form of meditation. Gradually, through the process of repetition, the vision becomes embedded in their subconscious.”

Of course, you do not have to be dating or married to create a relationship vision. In fact, bringing one to a relationship can help you keep a clear head and make quality decisions about whether to enter, extend or end a particular new relationship.

Just don’t forget that, at some point, you and your partner should put your heads together and create a mutual relationship vision that is truly meaningful, magnificent and moving to both of you.

iAMrj * richard jones